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What is wrong with me

The lake was good. I wasn't able to grasp on to all the benefits that a night at the lake offers, but it did feel nice to "get away".

It started last night. I have been having a series of anxiety attacks. I don't believe it's over anything in particular. Just being stressed again. I start hyperventilating and soon the tears follow. I start thinking of all sorts of things and making issues out of nothing.*grins* I think I need to find a healthier way to deal with stress. Or, in better terms, actually DEAL with it. *shrugs* Anyway, to continue on, I have been thinking a lot. I've been worrying about money. I have been thinking about getting a line of credit in order to pay off my credit card and have some money to buy things for the house (lawn mower, garden hose, etc.). That means more debt. And, that means that I have dedicated myself to this place (for now, anyway). I no longer have to freedom to just "up and leave". This isn't an issue normally, but right now, I'm feeling claustrophobic.

Also, the lake was nice, but nothing memorable. It almost seemed that aolfe and I were in the way. Happygoth got a phone call from his parents before we got here. His parents told him that the family dog is sick, and they wanted him to dig a hole. Quite depressing, really. I understand if my friend's mind was on that, and I know that totally changed the atmosphere out there. My guy did the best he could to be supportive, and to distract him. They worked very hard cleaning up and maintaining the cabin for when his parents do come out. They are planning to go off-roading in his Tracker. I understand that, and I don't expect to be entertained.

Still, I felt like we were visitors (not to be confused with guests). We were there to bring them food, stay out of their way, and take everything back and deal with the garbage and cleaning. Yes, they were tired from chainsawing a tree, and working their butts off. I would never expect them to drop everything when we arrive and have their sole purpose to entertain us. But we didn't go out there to, basically, be their delivery service. If they just wanted a "guy weekend" to grunt, wear their shoes on the cabin carpet, and so on, they should have told us. They didn't treat us terribly, or meanly.... it felt like we were a convenience and they treated us with.... I guess the word would be indifference.

I know my guy was happy to see me. It was calming to sit on the dock, and watch the loons. Having smores and coffee with French Vanilla creamer by the fire was nice. But it was nothing to take pictures over. The only thing that didn't make it as gray as the weather was having a few quality minutes to talk to my friends about random intellectual and no6t-so-intellectual stuff.

Maybe I'm just feeling the loss of time. I never seem to have the time to do what I want. To read books. To study my religion books again. To walk aimlessly. To drive to random places and soak in the scenery. Everytime I want to do that, the imps in the background remind me that I still have to revamp my Law Unit and my Poetry Unit, and the other things I have to do with school. Then I think, "Hey, you have only 20 teaching days left, and then you can have a break...", just to remind myself that I have to design a new program for next year, involving more curriculums and more units to make up. What I currently have is about 1/3 of what I need for next year.

Logically speaking, I know everything will be okay. I know there is enough time. I know things aren't bad at all. Actually, I have it pretty good. But, at the moment, all I want to do is exist. I don't want to teach, I don't want to counsel, I don't want to plan finances, I don't want to be cheery and witty, and I don't want to be fully functional. I just want to exist.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
opera_queen
May. 23rd, 2005 09:34 pm (UTC)
Nothing is wrong with you...it's just grown up stuff.

I can honestly tell you that I cannot wait for teaching to be over for the year. 5 weeks is seeming like a REALLY long time right now.

Although it does seem that you have a little more work to do this summer than I do, I'm sure we'll both make it to the end of June and then you'll be in your spiffy new home with your spiffy boyfriend. Life is good.

Opera_Queen
dreamfilled
May. 24th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC)
I would have to agree.. Life is good. *grins*

Speaking of summer, what are your plans? More importantly, what are your birthday plans? Hard to top last years, I'm afraid...
pen_girl
May. 24th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
Darlin', what you need is a good solid session with the Chloe-dog. I really wish I was "home" lately. I miss my friends. I miss you. I wish I was there to help you do all your planning, and to lend you my mower. But then, if I was there, I'd likely have a job for the fall and have my own planning to do. I'm still sick, and I have no job for the fall or the summer, and I get to start a new sport today. Yes, I get to spend an hour and a half on the ocean learning to paddle in sync with about a million other people in a dragon boat. Oh, boy. I think I'd be more up to it if I had more energy. Anyway, long story short, I wish I was there.
dreamfilled
May. 25th, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
*hugs* I miss you too...
Growing up sucks.
(Anonymous)
May. 25th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
(((BIG HUGS)))

That's all I got. Hope it helps.

Bo Beri
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )