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A new wake-up call

There were times in the past two days where I asked myself, "Can I do this?"

Yesterday wasn't the greatest. First day, I ran out of material. So, I finished with all the "getting to know you" fun stuff and jumped into some of the beginning course material. My "training" at University and student teaching never really prepared me for this. It gave me a piece of paper stating that, just like a show dog, I'm certified to qualify in this job description.

The reason why my students left school in the first place is that they hated it! For various reasons, the bottom line was that the education system wasn't giving them what they need. And what do I do out of reflex? Start teaching curriculum (which, technically, I don't even have those documents along with a lot of missing material). Yeah... that sucked.

I usually hang out after hours here to relax and get organized. One of the support workers here has a few late nights as well. And while we were talking, I broke down. My first day on the job, and I was a total wreck.

Then there was the morning meeting with the coordinator of this program expressing concern. Wondering, in a non-threatening way, if I knew what I was getting into. All I wanted to do is drop the subject and go teach. They brought in another worker to take over my morning, and I stayed in the office and cried while they talked.

I don't know why I was so friggin' upset. The problem with me is that I can't admit when I'm stressed. Heck, I don't even know when I am or am not. It comes out through headaches or minor breakdowns. I have no curriculum documents, unorganized and incomplete material, and I have seemed to momentarily forgotten how to be human and have defaulted to the enemy of "teacher".

Today was a lot better. It's a different teaching environment. Scratch that... it's a different environment altogether.

I realise that I will become more comfortable and organized here. I will get to know the students and staff better. I will be able to aid students in dealing with their social issues and direct them to the right resources. And, along the way, I will manage to give them a Grade 9 education. It is going to take time, patience, and my heart being broken repeatedly to make it stronger.

I guess I do have one major thing in common with my students... becoming a cxomplete and utter failure. *sighs and lays head down*

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
zrospce
Sep. 10th, 2004 06:36 pm (UTC)
*big huggles and snuggles*
It's these times when you fall, that you realize you need to get back up again.

It's bound to be hard, reality is never easy. You are strong and will only get stronger, not only for yourself but the people who love you and care about you. Just remember: You are not in this alone. You are never alone. You can do whatever you put your mind to, and I know that you wanted to do this... If you didn't, you wouldn't have applied in the first place. I am here for you, and there are many others who are there for you too. Please please please take care of yourself, don't turn into what I am. I love you, I know you can do this. I believe in you.
dreamfilled
Sep. 11th, 2004 06:47 am (UTC)
Re: *big huggles and snuggles*
What? Don't turn into what you are??? A loving, caring, decent human being? Hmmmm.... that's my ultimate goal. *hugs*

Thanks Booger. Now you've made me all misty eyed. I may have to kill you for that. *grins*
opera_queen
Sep. 12th, 2004 08:11 am (UTC)
Hey,

If it makes you feel better, my first day was less than spectacular myself! There were more than a few times when I thought "and they gave me a teaching degree, why?"

I know you're in a weird, complicated, and probably scary situation, but you'll do ok. Keep going AND ADMIT WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED OUT! YOU DON'T BITCH ENOUGH. Bitching and crying is the key to survival.
dreamfilled
Sep. 12th, 2004 09:50 am (UTC)
*laughs* I heard a comedian once say, "Women don't burp or fart. If they didn't bitch, they would explode".

Wise words, I suppose...
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )