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Bored. So bored. Extremely bored.

So, the shoe store hasn't called me or my references. Do I assume that I don't have "da stuff" to sell shoes? Did I fail the personality test? (I kid you not) Was all my practicing of slouching on couches with my hand in my pants a la Al Bundy all for not??? The world may never know..... *insert snores*

Ok, there’s good news and bad news.

The bad news is you just received one of these obnoxious "friendship surveys" to fill out. The good news is smile! you have at least one friend. (Until you read this all the way through, anyway, then you’ll be sad and alone again).

So, here’s what you do. It’s so simple even you AOL users can do it. Take out the responses to the questions and put in your own. Then forward it on to all of your friends (or enemies, as if I care), including the person that sent it to you. The result? You’ll soon annoy the hell out of your friends and learn a lot of useless trivia about them. Keen!

But I see you friendship survey veterans aren’t convinced. "I’ve seen it all before," you say. "I’ve filled out the same shit 25 times already". Well, that’s some attitude you’ve got, arse-face. This is no ordinary friendship survey. In fact, it has very little to do with friendship. We don’t care what your first car was. We could really care less if you prefer vanilla over chocolate. Rat’s asses will be spared because we don’t give one over your favorite color.

What you do get is a morbid medley of questions no-one should ever be asked.


01.) What's your name, lame-ass? How rude! Let's try "Jezzy" today.

02.) My professional wrestler name would be: Trailer Trash Tituana

03.) How many of these damn "friendship surveys" have you had to respond to in the past? (Count this one even though it doesn't have much to do with friendship) A dozen or so? I'm horrible with these things.

04.) Describe your ideal coffin. Spherical and glass. Yeppers, dead sexy.

05.) Meanest prank you've pulled or had pulled on you. Hmmmmm... damn memory loss. There was a time where I considered putting meat products from Ye Olde Slaughter House in the pillow case of a vegetarian room-mate. Eeeeeeeee-veeeeeeeel. *laughs uncontrollably* Needless to say, I laughed so much at the mere thought of it that it never happened. But the thought kept me warm at night...

06.) Place the following in order from least sucky to most sucky: France, Country Music, Head Lice, Carrot Top, Foot Odor. France, Carrot Top, Foot Odor, Head Lice, COUNTRY MUSIC

07.) What’s your favorite band? And what is their favorite illegal contraband? Nirvana... and come on, what didn't they do???
I would put my money on heroin.

08.) If you were a sub-atomic particle, what kind would you be? Explain. *putting on her geek glasses* Well, I would have to be "B-zero", because it sounds cool. *snorts*

09.) You're at a restaurant and the waiter offers to toss your salad. How do you react? Unfortunately, I still don't know what that means. But it makes Jo laugh.

10.) (Yes or No only): Have you stopped groping the elderly? As far as anyone can prove.
Er, I mean "yes".

11.) If you were a carney, which ride would you run? The little train. If I were a carney, I would make it my mission to give little children nightmares. (small hands, smell like cabbage)

12.) What’s your favorite book (to burn)? Canadian history. Come on, you have to admit.. we are damn boring. "And then this explorer came this far, and then he left. Then this explorer came this far, and he left. Then came the Hudson Bay Company. Let's talk about every animal they skinned. Do you know how to make a felt hat?" *rolls eyes*

13.) If you could have one famous person dead - who would it be? Martha Stewart. Sorry opera_queen, I realise she is a "self-made" woman (yay woman power, etc.), but she gives me the creeps.

14.) Describe your personality in a few sentences using the word "mother-fucker" at least twice. I'm the most boring *bleep* in this *bleep*ing city at this *bleep*ing moment.

15.) Is auto-erotic-asphyxiation a shameful way to die? There is definitely more embarassing ways to go....

16.) If I were a Super-Villain, my first fiendish plot would be... Becoming invisible and pantsing random business people downtown.

17.) A good question for the next version of this survey would be: How often do you find yourself watching reruns of "Rosanne" and "The Cosby Show"? *looks around* I can't be the only one...

18.) Person on the list of people you’re sending this to least likely to understand question #9. Yet again, I'm clueless.

19.) Person on the list of people you’re sending this to that you'd most like to have sex with (hint, hint). I think Bo Beri is full of repressed sexual energy. *wiggles eyebrows* opera_queen sounds pretty repressed too.... but I wouldn't sleep with soullessflyer since he doesn't have big breasts.

20.) Finally, reveal an embarrassing secret about someone on the list of people you're sending this to. (Real or imagined): Wellllllll, there was a time with Blondie and a watermelon.... Damn, I'm so bored, I can't even make up a good story. Back to "The Cosby Show".


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 23rd, 2004 06:24 am (UTC)
09 waiter offers to toss your salad. Didn't we discuss this in the tent? Anyway to let you in it involves a tounge and a anus. seriously. I kid you not.

if you don't believe me do a google search. And if you want to become even more jaded (my mission) search cleveland steamer.
Jul. 23rd, 2004 11:30 am (UTC)
*wrinkles nose* Gee, thanks for the lesson.
Jul. 27th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC)
I am flattered that you would consider sleeping with me...however, you had ample opportunity in Europe and you never took it. You wouldn't even hold hands with me in the park. You tease.
Jul. 27th, 2004 08:31 pm (UTC)
*laughs* That's right, I'm nothing but a tease. And, in all honesty, I think most days both of us weren't looking or smelling our best....
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )